Saturday, May 26, 2007

spin around and fall down, do it again

"I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim
Almost every single day..."

I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I didn't have to hurt someone in order to get better. I hate it, even if he doesn't think I do. Which he doesn't. I wish I could explain it some other way than the two ways I've explained it, but I can't. And it's ridiculous for me to try any more. It's ridiculous that I tried again tonight. Because it obviously isn't helping, and the process of trying to be clear and then being misunderstood is just making me sicker. It is unhealthy for me to have to deal with this right now. And I know that isn't fair, but that's the way it is. I CAN'T help him. I have tried, and I have failed. Miserably. And the more I try, the further I sink into the state of being unable to help. And that isn't something I'm happy about... or proud of. And it isn't something that is easy for me to say. The words "I can't" were barely in my vocabulary before that day, just a few short weeks ago, when I had no choice but to admit that I had to leave school. But there are things that I can't do. And this is one of them. And it is hurting someone. And I am sorry. But I can't fix it. I can't deal with it any other way.

And it's unfair that I have to end up feeling like a failure. It's unfair that he wants me to feel guilty. It's unfair for him to throw scripture in my face, as if I am trying to hurt him. As if I want it to be like this. As if I am not trying my absolute hardest to do what I have to do. But I have nothing to give. So what I have to do is get better. Someday, hopefully soon, I will be able to help people again. But not today. And I'm sorry.

I'm unbelievably thankful that God has put people in my life who will let me call them at 1 in the morning and cry and vent. I have never been more grateful for that than I am now. And to end on a lighter note, let me quote the one I called and cried to and vented to tonight:

"His skull is very thick...and his brain is very small."

I surrender.

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