Wednesday, May 30, 2007

small steps

I've been feeling better and better each day, thus confirming that my thyroid is, in fact, the root of all evil. It's weird, because my endocrinologist pretty much brushes it off anytime I imply that my depression is going to get better when my thyroid goes away...even though everything I've read (for example, the quintessential Living Well with Graves' Disease and Hyperthyroidism) lists depression as a side effect of hyperthyroidism. He just keeps saying that it's more often a side effect of hypothyroidism, and that may well be true, but he goes on to say that of all the many hundreds of hyperthyroid patients he's seen, none of them have been depressed, and I absolutely do not believe that. I think he just doesn't bother to ask them, which seems unwise to me. And I suppose that I don't know with certainty that one is causing the other, but I have been feeling steadily and gradually less depressed as my thyroid has been steadily and gradually disappearing. There is a positive correlation, if you will, between the size of my thyroid and the severity of my depression. Probably a pearson r not too far from +1. Sorry...statistical nerdiness. See? I must be getting better: my nerd power is returning! :)

I've been pretty productive lately too. I've been cleaning out and reorganizing my bedroom here at home, in preparation for moving back into it for real sometime in the near future. I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff and trying to make my room at least somewhat representative of my current self, since, realistically, I'll probably be living in it for a year. I've made a lot of progress, so I'm feeling more excited about living here again.

I've also been taking advantage of having a piano available to me every day. I've been practicing every day, trying to become something more than a mere ex-pianist. I've been working on the first movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, which has been most enjoyable. The more I play, the more I realize how much I missed it. And I am getting a little less rusty (I guess that's what happens when you practice!), which is making me happy.

In other news, I just finished reading Bill Bryson's The Mother Tongue, which was utterly fantastic, and the chapter about word play inspired me to try to write a sensible palindrome (sentence that is spelled the same way forward and backward, for non-English nerds.) It's really quite difficult, I have found, and I don't have anything worth sharing...yet.

The downside of all this progress (if you want to call it that) is that it's happening because my thyroid is disappearing, and my disappearing thyroid is also continuing to cause me to gain weight. It appears that I have gained a whopping FIFTEEN pounds, which is a HUGE amount for my little 5'2" frame. And this is a most inopportune time, because I have to wear both a swimsuit and a bridesmaid dress (bought when I was skinny) within the next two weeks, during which I will probably be gaining more weight, because I don't get blood taken again until Monday, and, therefore, won't even have a follow-up appointment until after both the beach trip and Katie's wedding. The worst part is that my clothes don't fit, which is a bit of a problem, obviously. I haven't actually tried on my bridesmaid dress in a while, so I'm planning to do that first thing when I get to the apartment on Sunday, just to make sure. I've just been assuming that I can still get into it, because I really have no choice, but I'll feel better once I know for sure. And I'm still excited about the beach (it's a reunion of old neighbors, who I love and can't wait to see) and the wedding, but I'd be more excited about both if I were thin. That's lame, I know, but it's true. I just keep trying to remind myself that gaining weight is actually a good thing, because it's a sign that I'm getting better. And I can feel it. Praise God; I am getting better. Fatter, but better. ;)

1 comment:

Allison said...

Just for the record, Sara, the beach folk don't care how much you weigh or how you look in a bathing suit. :) Which I know isn't the point, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway.

I'm so excited to see you and all the old Hunter Ct./Pleasant Ave. gang! SC or BUST! (Do people still say that?)