Thursday, May 17, 2007

disappointment

...with someone else, but also with myself.

I have an innate ability to make people feel guilty by accident. It's been happening ever since I was about thirteen. Someone who has no apparent reason to care what I think of them does something they know I'll disapprove of, and then they don't want to talk to me at all, as if they're scared of my judgement or something. It makes me feel horrible. I try to be a loving person, and I do not consider myself to be judgemental in the least. I do, however, hold myself to a very high standard of moral behavior (which, sometimes, of course, I can't meet), and I guess sometimes it's hard for me to know to what extent I can or should hold my friends to that same standard. And I don't really know what it is about me that makes people feel guilty. I used to pretentiously wonder if it was just that they thought I was better than they are, but I'm pretty sure that's not it. I'm just as big a mess as everyone else. In fact, I'd say that right now I'm even more of a mess than the average person. Certainly more of mess than the person I accidentally made feel guilty today, who happens to be my best friend. Making him feel bad makes me feel bad, because I adore him. He is absolutely amazing, and I would never, ever, intentionally hurt him. And yet I am idealistic and stubborn and pig-headed and felt that I was justified in saying some things that I halfway wish I hadn't said. Even though I believe wholeheartedly that what I said was absolutely (and I do mean absolutely) true...is saying it worth hurting someone I love more than words can say? I thought so at the time, but now I just don't know. I just keep thinking of the various people I've lost over the years because they thought that I thought ill of them just because I may have disapproved of their behavior in some certain area. None of them were my best friends--or perhaps even my friends. And it's scary to think that I'm in that situation with my best friend now. But it will not turn out that way this time. I't won't, because it can't.

On a different note, I just realized today that I am jealous of someone who I really had no idea I was jealous of. I don't know how I managed to hide it from myself, and I'm not sure why today was the day I stopped doing so. I can't believe I'm jealous of this person. It's ridiculous, and shocking, and I don't know if I can even say it out loud. It's pretty much imperative that I get over it sooner rather than later, which may require not being the most arrogant person in the whole world, which will be a little more difficult that I care to admit.

1 comment:

Allison said...

Sara, it is so interesting reading about the woman you have become and the woman you aspire to be. I guess I really still only know you as a childhood best friend who I will, in my estimation, always hold in unconditional positive regard.

I'm glad you can be so honest with yourself, and I hope you will come to a place where you are truely happy, even if (and especially because) you are not perfect.