Photo A Day October, Day 26: Listening To

The Photo A Day prompt for today was "listening to." The timing for this one worked out pretty well since the husband and I had plans involving live music. We saw Blues Traveler tonight, and it was a lot of fun. Not a pretty picture, but I promise that the sound was a beautiful thing, indeed.

No matter what the waitress brings, I will drink in and always be full. I will drink in and always be full. I think those lyrics are going to be in my dreams tonight.

Photo A Day October, Day 13: Landscape

So, I missed blogging yesterday due to some technical difficulties. I'm afraid my poor ole Macbook may be on its last legs. Alex brought it back to life, but we'll see how long it lasts. I think I know what I'm asking Santa Claus for this year.

Anyway, yesterday's Photo A Day prompt was "Landscape." It sounds easy enough, but I kind of struggled with what to do. I even wore this t-shirt for a little inspiration, but strangely enough, I couldn't find any snow-capped mountains in Southern Mississippi. I know there are landscapes everywhere, but somehow my mental image of a "landscape" is different from what I see around here. Maybe it's partly because of a recent conversation with my dear brother about how the sound of the Dobro makes our hearts ache for hills--if you haven't heard the new Mumford & Sons album, go listen now!--but when I think of "landscape," I picture layers of hills rolling into each other all the way into the distance. I think of layers. When the land is flat, there just aren't any layers. So here's what I came up with:

I actually took this from the car while traffic was a bit backed up in Biloxi. I like that it has some depth even though the land is flat. I miss hills, but if I ever move away from here, I'll be grieving the loss of these gnarly live oak trees, and the ocean view on the other side of the street.  God always has a way of using my viewfinder to remind me that His creation is beautiful everywhere.

This is my Father's world, 

and to my listening ears

all nature sings, and round me rings

the music of the spheres.

This is my Father's world: 

I rest me in the thought

of rocks and trees, or skies and seas;

His hand the wonders wrought.

This is my Father's world, 

the birds their carols raise, 

the morning light, the lily white

declare their maker's praise. 

This is my Father's world: 

He shines in all that's fair;

in the rustling grass I hear Him pass;

He speaks to me everywhere.

-Maltbie D. Babcock

Photo A Day October, Day 1: Where You Stood

Remember when I did the 21-day photo challenge back in May? And I became a much better blogger than usual? Well, that's about to happen again! Except this time it's compliments of Fat Mum Slim. She does a daily photo challenge list every month, and I've been putting off participating, but no more! October is here, and I'm diving into this photo-a-day challenge! Go here if you want to join the fun... and let me know in the comments so that I can see your photos!

Without further ado... today's prompt was "Where You Stood." I was feeling indecisive, so I actually took two photos, both with Instagram. This is one place I literally stood today, right outside my office:

And this is where I figuratively stand, always:

Hymn of Promise

Thanks to a friend's facebook status this morning, this song has been in my head all day. It's one of my favorite hymns, and it seems to have inspired my latest Etsy listings, too. :)

In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;
In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There’s a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;
There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity,
In our death, a resurrection; at the last, a victory,
Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

(words by Natalie Sleeth)

21 Day Photo Challenge, Day 17: Music

Another long, exhausting day. Good thing I already knew what I wanted to do for today's challenge, music.

Not enough brain power for many words today, but perhaps that's appropriate.

21 Day Photo Challenge, Day 9: Grass

At first, I was a little uninspired by today's challenge theme (grass.) My husband suggested I find a picture of grass in a book and photograph it in the yard. I started searching but then realized I already know a good book with some serious grass-related wisdom. Isaiah says that grass withers while the word of God stands forever, so I photographed the two of them together. How's that for contrast and symbolism? 

Plus, I now have "Immortal, Invisible God Only Wise" in my head, so it's pretty impossible to remain uninspired.

Lord, help us to see 'tis only the splendor of light hideth thee.

Mississippi moon

Ever since I moved here, the Doobie Brothers have been singing in my head every time I look into the night sky:

Mississippi moon, won't you keep on shining on me?

blooming garb of spring

Spring has sprung! Yes, I know it's still February, but things warm up early on the coast. I've been ooh-ing and aah-ing about how perfect everything looks and feels around me right now. A hymn we sang in church today reminded me, though, that all that points to something greater.

"Fair are the meadows, fairer still the woodlands, 

robed in the blooming garb of spring: 

Jesus is fairer, Jesus is purer

who makes the woeful heart to sing."

Amen.

these dreams

"These dreams go on when I close my eyes. Every second of the night, I live another life..."
-Heart

Last night, two other lives. Neither of which I want to live.

Let me back up. Obviously, I didn't blog yesterday despite my Lent commitment. I'm not going to beat myself up about it because 1) I don't have the energy for that and 2) I think it's more righteous to "try harder next time" than to give up because I didn't measure up to some rigid but arbitrary goal I set for myself. That being said, I didn't forget to blog yesterday... but by the time I was done with everything else I had to do, I just couldn't make myself do it. It's been a really, really, exhausting couple of school/work days. I had only done one intake interview all semester, but I had to do two of them on the same day (Tuesday), and just that little extra time and effort kind of sent me over the edge. Being on the go for 12+ hours a day--especially in this environment where I feel like every move I make is going to be evaluated--is just too much for me. When I got home from school yesterday (and by school, I mean work, lunch, clinic paperwork, research meeting, dinner, yoga, supervision, more paperwork), I was completely spent. I can't remember being this exhausted for a long time. I didn't take any time to decompress or reflect or chill out or pray or even talk to Alexander. I just collapsed onto my bed.

Oh, how I wish I hadn't done that. I had horrible dreams. And I hardly ever have bad dreams. I dreamed, basically, that I was one of my clients. I was still me, but I was experiencing some really stressful interpersonal things that my new client is currently experiencing. I woke up at 3 a.m. (I don't think I've done that since I've been thyroid-less) and was exahusted, but so relieved that "it was just a dream." It took me quite a while to go back to sleep (again, hasn't happened since 2007, I don't think), and when I did go back to sleep, it got worse. In the next dream, I started having a horribly traumatic experience that my other client experienced as a kid. I can't even bring myself to say out loud (or type out loud) what it was. I woke up at 6 feeling more mentally exhausted than I was when I went to sleep.

Clearly, this is not a good situation. Therapists should not be unconsciously experiencing their clients' trauma. It might seem like I have no boundaries and can't leave therapy in therapy like I should. But really, I'm pretty good at that, usually, because I spend waking time reflecting about it so that I can put it away and move on. I've actually been pretty pleased with my ability to do that so far in my "career" as a therapist. I guess it's easy for me, because I naturally take time to reflect, which actually helps these sort of thoughts not to follow me around when I don't want them to. I give them attention when they need it (which is usually right after sessions or in this case, supervision), and then I file them away for next week. But my fatigue stopped me from doing that. The last thing I did yesterday was talk to my supervisor about my clients (and then get their paperwork in order.) Since I didn't have my normal decompression time, all that crap was still floating around unresolved, so it showed up in the worst way possible.

One positive: I have a whole new level of empathy for what these clients have experienced.

Another positive: I have a whole new appreciation for the importance of "self care" as it relates to clinical work. It is so, so important for me not to get so exhausted that I don't have time to chill out.

Lord, come quickly. And bring Spring Break with you.

rocket [wo]man

"...and all this science, I don't understand. It's just my job five days a week..."
-Elton John

I really do love psychology, but sometimes I feel very disconnected from the world of academia. I want to understand people and to know how to help people, but some days it feels like the stuff I spend my time doing has very little to do with any of that. Sometimes grad school feels like some sort of silly obstacle course, and instead of teaching us what we need to know, it tests to see how badly we want to know, then releases us out into the world with a degree that qualifies us to figure it out on our own.

I was thinking the other day about my first day at Pathways, when I didn't even realize what I had been hired to do. I was passively observing a group therapy session, and Vicki, my boss, abruptly asked me to take the uncooperative kid next to me into the other room for an individual session. I was shocked and terrified, and I felt like I was mostly making stuff up as I went along. It turned out to be one of my best sessions, actually, but the whole time, I just kept thinking about how unqualified I was to do what I was doing. And yet... after a year (almost) of grad school, I can't think of anything that I know now that would've made me any more prepared or less freaked out about that situation. That's not to say I haven't learned anything; I've learned some research things and some theories and such, but hardly anything that really translates into how to be a therapist.

Maybe next year.

elegy for the king of pop

Billy Jean isn't my lover either,
And I don't know if Annie's okay,
And I realize that I didn't know him,
But I really miss MJ today.

In dance class, my goal was to be just like him,
And I did learn "Remember the Time,"
But I never could do isolations (or moonwalks)
The way Michael did in his prime.

Back then, when he asked, "Will you be there?"
I felt strongly compelled to say, "Yes,"
For it seemed that the world didn't get it
And instead caused this great man distress.

Even so, he told us that we are the world,
And also that we can heal it,
And now that he's gone it seems silly to say,
But his spirit's still here. I can feel it.

standing on the brink

I went to see Kansas on the riverfront on Tuesday (which was pretty awesome), and these lyrics have been echoing in my head ever since:

Hold on, Baby, Hold on
'Cause it's closer than you think
And you're standing on the brink
Hold on, Baby, Hold on
'Cause there's something on the way
Your tomorrow's not the same as today

People keep saying things like "It'll be here before you know it!" It, of course, meaning my move to Mississippi. And I guess they're right, but the time is going by so slowly right now. I'm having to work day shift at work, and while that does mean getting to do a lot more therapy, it came at the worst possible time, because I have pretty much lost interest in my job. This is partly due to lots of frustration with the inefficiency and inconsistency of the agency, but it has even more to do with the fact that I want to be in Mississippi now. Adding to my excitement about the move is the fact that Alexander is already there, and I'm anxious to get on with this new chapter of the relationship (which I trust will be far superior to the current state of things). Plus, my frustration with work has made me more and more eager to be in the classroom, learning, so that I can be better at what I do, so that I can get a better job than this one.

Basically, I feel anxious and I need to get on with it. It will happen soon, but for now I just have to... well, hold on.

feeling blue

"Blue morning, blue day... won't you see things my way?"
-Foreigner

Apparently, the etsy admin don't see things my way, because they did NOT put this blue treasury on the front page, but it's just so darn pretty that I had to share it anyway. :)

bright red boots

I just don't even know what to say about this crazy boy.

"What can I compare you to?
My favorite pair of shoes?
Maybe my bright red boots....
if they had wings."
(the weepies)

in repair

So... life. An outline seems like a good idea.

I. Weekend Life

A. Labor Day Weekend. It was unexpectedly good. On Saturday, Mom and I went to Mamaw's to visit with some Perry relatives who were in town, some of whom I hadn't seen in a long while. It was much better than my other recent interactions with visiting family members who seemed not to know what to say to me. My aunt Helen and I had a pretty long discussion about academia, her Ph.D. program, the grad school application process, etc. It was refreshing to be addressed as an intelligent, competent, ambitious individual. I also had a great deal of fun playing with my cousin Kibbey's two daughters, Emma and Cecilia as well as my other cousin Angela's daughter, Kate. We all colored, played with Play-Doh, and the like. It was really great. I don't get to spend time with kids very much, and I think my soul needed it. I was especially pleased that Emma (who is 8) greatly enjoyed the Mad Libs we brought along--and she was very well-versed in the parts of speech, so we bonded over our love of language. :) Kindred spirits we are. It is just occurring to me that that's something I really haven't written much about in here, strangely enough. So I'll do it now. :) I'm a bit obsessed with grammar (and punctuation and spelling) and delight in taking photos of errors. If my grammar love can be regarded as an obsession, this photo-taking is the corresponding compulsion, designed to reduce the anxiety that errors cause me. (How's that for being a grammar nerd and a psychology nerd all in the same sentence?! ;)) Here are a few of my favorites:

To see my whole collection, go to my album on Facebook.

My brother also came home for the weekend, and it was good to have him around as always. And he gave me my second stick-shift driving lesson, which was enjoyable. He's a good (and patient) teacher, so perhaps in the near future I'll be able to drive the Z3 we got this summer... I mean somewhere other than in a parking lot. ;)

B. Last Weekend. Also good. I went to Blacksburg for the concert for Virginia Tech with Alex (not my brother... my friend's brother-in-law, actually). It was really fun. Both John Mayer and Dave Matthews were utterly fantastic, and the evening was a blast. On my drive there, I listened to all four John Mayer cds in chronological order, and it was much like re-living the last 6 years of my life. "No Such Thing" came out my senior year of high school, when I did, in fact, desperately want to "run through the halls of my high school" and "scream at the top of my lungs." And now, having been through what I've been through in the last year and a half or so, I'm somewhere between a big screwed-up mess and a totally healthy and content person: "It’s taken so long / I could be wrong / I could be ready / Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice / I should assume it’s still unsteady / I am in repair." And in between, so much love, loss, faith, doubt, confusion, hope, fear, adventure. And all along, John Mayer was the soundtrack. I love music.

On my way from Blacksburg/Radford to Emory, I stopped for some quality Dallas time, which always makes my heart happy. I'm so proud of him on so many levels.

Then to Emory, my very favorite place in all the world. I was half-dreading this visit though, knowing it was going to be bittersweet, being my first Emory visit since Katie and Jenny (and some other people, obviously) graduated. It's very strange being so far removed from what's going on there, and that really didn't happen until this year. Last year, my best friends were still there, I was there a lot, I had an automatic place to stay where I could randomly show up (and did once, accidentally). I still felt very much a part of the community. But now I'm really gone. Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on the front porch of the house where I was staying, and I saw an unfamiliar person walking down the street. This struck me as odd, as if there was no possible way that there could be an Emory student I don't recognize. Then it occurred to me that half the students are people I don't know, who don't know me. This is obvious and natural, I realize, but it was a striking realization. And that probably makes me sound like a loser who really needs to move on with her life, but I really don't care. So much of my heart resides among those hills. So regardless of the weirdness (some expected, some not), it was good to be in that place. I got to see lots of beautiful Emory faces. So many people made me feel so welcome. And loved. I am so blessed.

II. Week Life. Not as good. I still haven't started my job, which is frustrating. I keep calling and leaving various sorts of messages, and my cousin/future boss hasn't called me back. It's strange, because she acted as if she actually needed me to work, even though she is also doing this as a favor to me, I guess. I hope I'll hear something this week. I don't know of anywhere else I could get a job that would be at all relevant.

In terms of my health, my energy level is a bit better, I think, but otherwise, things are the same. I'm feeling fine. I very rarely get muscle cramps, and when I do, they go away really quickly. I'm not gaining weight anymore, but I'm not losing it, either. I'm still working out, but I'm getting bored with my ballet workout, so I think I need to find something else to do. My Granny keeps telling me I should start doing Weight Watchers. I'm not excited about that, but I probably should give it a shot. I really do need/want to lose 20 pounds.

I'm still playing the piano some every day, and enjoying it a lot. I've increased my repertoire quite a bit and am slightly less pathetic.

I think I've decided that I'm not going back to Radford. (I already said that once, I realize.) I think that if I went back, every assignment (in the classes I had last semester) would have to be a reminder of how sick/miserable I was last time I tried to do it. And couldn't. And how I made myself sicker/more miserable in the process. And while I know that now, I can do it, I don't want to have to be faced with such specific, tangible reminders of my past failures. I don't think I deserve that. One person in particular is trying with much (adorable) persistence to convince me to go back, and I really appreciate the sentiment and effort, but my mind is made up. I think. So I'm resuming my doctoral program search and preparing for the application process. I'm feeling a huge amount of overwhelmed dread, but with just the slightest twinge of hopeful excitement.

I've been uncharacteristically fickle lately--my feelings (yes, about one thing in particular) wavering, unsteady. I'm trying not to overanalyze, which, as you might imagine, is quite difficult for me. I need to stop thinking so much, chill out, take it one day at a time. Or maybe ten minutes at a time:

Will you share your life with me
For the next ten minutes?
For the next ten minutes
We can handle that
We could watch the waves
We could watch the sky
Or just sit and wait
As the time ticks by
And if we make it till then
Can I ask you again
For another ten?
-The Last Five Years

staying put, but going places

Another fun trip over the weekend. I went to Lexington to hang out with my brother (and company), which was a lot of fun. Then I went (back) to Durham for the Styx/Foreigner/Def Leppard concert, which was also a lot of fun. I was a little disappointed that Styx failed to play a lot of the songs that I really wanted to hear (including but not limited to Show Me the Way and Mr. Roboto), but Foreigner was way better than I expected. And it was fantastic to spend time with Jess, Heather, and Sarah again. On my way home, I also got to see Dallas, which was wonderful and much-needed.

I'm getting ready to start a job, which I'm both excited and a little worried about. I did an internship (of sorts) at the local mental health agency last summer, and didn't have a very good experience, mostly because there was very little for me to do. My cousin has since been moved to some sort of leadership position there and supposedly has shaped things up. So she's giving me a job at the crisis unit. I don't really know what to expect, but I'm hopeful that it will be more productive and meaningful than my previous experience there. At the very least, it'll be good experience to list on my resume (and I'll make a little money.)

I'm feeling more and more frustrated with my current situation. It sounds rather paradoxical, but it's as if, now that I'm back to my normal mental state (happiness, if you will), I'm able to see beyond my illness and realize just how unsatisfied I am with that fact that I'm living with my parents and not going to school. I had to go to Wal-Mart the other day (the first time since I've been home!), and I desperately wanted to buy school supplies, and it was strange coming to the realization that I don't need any. I almost cried. And tonight I had a very frustrating conversation with my mom. I told her that I'm thinking of/planning on taking a trip to Boston in October to visit my two best friends who both just moved there, and I ended up getting a lecture about how I "play" too much and need to get my priorities straight. And I understand that I have traveled a lot this summer (mostly to weddings) to see my friends, but I feel like I've needed to do that. I don't have any friends here at home (Ashley was here for a couple weeks, but she's back at school now), so it's pretty lonely. If you know me, you know it takes a lot for me to be lonely (I tend to love being alone), but I am lonely. I need friends. Especially considering what I've been through. And even though I know now that my depression was because of my thyroid, I want to be intentional about not putting myself in a position where I'll be at risk of getting anywhere close to that state of mind again (i.e. by not interacting with anyone except my parents.) I don't want to get there again. Depression is hell.

But I don't want to talk about that, because (praise Jesus) I'm not there anymore. I'm restless and unsatisfied, but I'm healthy, and I just have to keep reminding myself of that. And I'm still feeling inspired and creative, which is wonderful, and has led to some more collaging--and more departure from what I normally (used to) do:

Again, feedback (positive or negative) is much appreciated. One thing that makes these different from anything I've made before is that I didn't do them with the intention of giving them to someone in particular, or of keeping them for myself. I just made them... to make them. And the idea of not having a specified audience is very freeing and greatly widens the scope of artistic possibilities. And thus, I have begun fantasizing about selling these things. I haven't told anyone that I'm thinking about that, because it seems very presumptious of me to think that anyone would want to buy them. I'm embarassed that this has even entered my mind. I'm not an artist; I just like to cut and paste, which anyone who went to kindergarten can do. So I don't know if it's something I should even be entertaining. Maybe I just have too much time on my hands (Styx did sing that song, by the way.) Or maybe it could happen.

show me the way

I just got back from a bit of a whirlwind adventure to Radford/Christiansburg/Blacksburg/Durham/Raleigh, and none of it was what I expected. I had a doctor's appointment on Monday--a follow-up to being on Synthroid for two months. I think I've mentioned that I felt sure that my dose needed increasing, but, as it turned out, my blood work indicated that that's not the case. While it's good that my hormone levels are normal, I'm a little frustrated, because I don't feel like they're normal. I still don't have the amount of energy that I think I should have, and I still can't lose weight despite working out every day and having the smallest appetite I've ever had (though I'm pretty sure I have at least stopped gaining weight.) I'm just slightly confused, because my understanding was that the point of Synthroid is to get my metabolism (and everything else the thyroid controls, which is everything in the known universe) back to what it was before I ever got sick--in other words, that my endocrine system would function as it did when I had a properly functioning thyroid. But my endocrinologist seemed to be telling me that my metabolism (and stuff) is the same as that of the average person, even though it's a far cry from what mine was in my pre-Graves' disease days. So it seems that the version of "normal" I was waiting on wasn't really the goal after all. And I don't like that. I want to do a little research on this "average person normal" vs. "me normal" issue. It's confusing to me.

I was supposed to go see three amazing 80's rock bands (Def Leppard, Foreigner, and Styx!) in Raleigh on Tuesday with some of my Durham pals, but the show was postponed because of a terrible thunderstorm (the venue is outdoor.) It was a terrible disappointment. My parents are a little less than pleased that I'm making that trip again on Monday (the new concert date), but I've been looking forward to this show for months, so I'm going, irresponsible and expensive or not. It's going to be worth it... plus, it means I get to see Jess, Heather, and Sarah twice in a week, and that's definitely good for the soul. :)

I seem to be internally wrestling with a lot of things right now. For one thing, I made something, in my head, into a much bigger deal than it actually is. And I'm not sure why. I guess I was just excited about the prospect of something, well, exciting. And new. That I think I'm ready for. That I want. At least in theory. And the thing is, it's not even that the prospect isn't actually there, it's just that the feelings I thought I had about it... I really don't. I wanted to. I tried to. I convinced myself that I did. But I don't. And I don't know why. And now I'm just confused about the whole thing.

I'm also becoming really unsure about my future plans. I thought I had decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to go back to school at Radford. A few weeks ago, I started looking at Ph.D. and Psy. D. programs online, making lists of faculty members with research interests that match mine, and planning to apply to lots of programs with the hope of getting in somewhere for next fall. But in the past couple of weeks, I've begun to question this decision. And I'm not sure where this questioning is coming from. Is it God? Me? Fear? Other people's opinions? I can't figure it out. Part of my reasoning for deciding not to go back was that I want to start over. Not have to be faced with my past failures. But maybe that's too easy. Maybe I have to deal with the failure that I was. But didn't I already do that? Isn't that how I got here? Or am I just being a coward, trying to run away from my problems? my disease? my insufficiency? But I'm better now, so why revisit all of that? In the past few days, I've told a few people about this struggle, and I've gotten mixed responses. A new friend told me that I should be glad that I'm "already established" at Radford, because that's hard to do. I countered that being established is not necessarily good, because I'm established as a sick person, incapable of completing the task at hand. "But you're not sick or incapable anymore," he insisted. And he's right, but still, is that enough? Should I have to prove that I'm not that way anymore, when I could just go somewhere new where I never was that way? where I could be the real me from the start--excelling from the beginning rather than having to pull myself out of the shadows of Graves' disease? An old friend, on the other hand, suggested that leaving something undone (i.e. not going back to Radford) might be good for me--a new experience, since I'm not typically the sort of person who leaves things undone. I got to spend some time with some of the clinical girls on Sunday night, and it was really good. I do miss being there with them. But I'd be so behind that, academically speaking, I wouldn't exactly be part of the group anymore. But I wouldn't really be a part of the new class either. And wouldn't that be lonely? But again, is that reason enough not to do it, or am I taking the easy way out? Not that starting a doctoral program will be anything close to easy. If I can even get in. Which I might not. And that's terrifying... and maybe that's where this uncertainty started?

I don't know how this got so complicated. I need a BIG helping of discernment. Which reminds me of the song I most wanted to hear on Tuesday:

"Show me the way / show me the way / Take me tonight to the river, and wash my illusions away..." (styx)

I should tell you

Interesting and exhilarating things seem to be happening in my life. The sort of things that only happen when you least expect them. When Dallas asked me how the situation (which shall remain unidentified for now) feels, I very ineloquently replied, "Kind of wonderful... and scary... and wonderful." I still can't come up with a better description than that.

It may not even amount to anything at all, but it might be the beginning of something big. We'll see.

To quote the Eagles, "We may lose or we may win, but we will never be here again."

And to quote RENT, "Who knows? Here goes."

wildest flight

"...But I have found our thoughts take wildest flight
Even at the moment when they should array
Themselves in pensive order."
-Lord Byron, Manfred

I'm still having trouble organizing my thoughts such that I can write them down, and the more I have on my mind, the more incapable I feel of sorting it all out.

First things first, I suppose. I really liked the Order of the Phoenix movie. It seems that I actually liked it more than a lot of people did. It is, of course, always frustrating that so many plot elements must be left out for time purposes, but I thought this movie still flowed well, and was, in fact, quite captivating. I thought Delores Umbridge and Luna Lovegood were both perfect. And while this movie was very dark in nature, as the book was, I was especially impressed by the humor in it; I kept finding myself laughing in precisely the way I laugh when I read the books. The trip to Lexington itself was also most enjoyable--surprisingly so, actually. Of course, the movie premiere was just practice for the infinitely more exciting book opening this weekend. I think we're going to Knoxville to Potter-party with John, one of Alex's best friends and also one of my favorite people. It promises to be a good time. I'm becoming increasingly anxious about who is going to die in the book. I had previously rejected the idea that Harry could possibly die, but I'm beginning to fear that he will, in fact, have to sacrifice himself in order to defeat Voldemort. For the record, I think, with quite a lot of conviction, that Snape is good. I think he may actually be the ultimate hero of the story, but that the other characters may never know of his goodness, making him a very successful, if deeply tragic, suffering servant. I'm very excited about finding out what happens, and also sad that the end of Harry Potter is imminent. I feel like I'm about to lose a friend.

Which is also how I feel about the Nickel Creek break-up. I was feeling unexpectedly (thought not outwardly) emotional at the end of the concert on Saturday, reflecting on my three previous experiences seeing them live and mourning the fact that this one would (probably) be the last.

I was also sad because 3 of the 4 friends who were originally coming with me ended up not coming for varying reasons. I was thoroughly disappointed that the weekend didn't turn out the way I planned (not that anything ever does, I guess), as I had been planning/looking forward to it for months.

Where am I today? I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
(Nickel Creek)

Of course, the show was amazing anyway. I am always in awe of Chris Thile. It's like he's on some separate plane of existence from the rest of us, hovering somewhere between mania and immortality. It's quite a sight (and sound) to behold.

It's all enchanted and wild
It's just like my heart said It was going to be

I was thinking about how thrilling it would be to meet him (and Sean and Sara, too), but really, I feel like I already know them, perhaps even better than i know some people in "real life."

Every tone I play would give whatever I've not said away

I had a lot of fun, but I'm still trying not to be upset with my friend(s). I'm generally too hard on people, or so I'm told, but I'm just not quite over my disappointment, I guess. My friends really are great, and I really do love them, even when I disagree with them, even when I'm disappointed.

Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down

Speaking of friendships, I've been bummed out/existentially confused since being confronted with the extent to which I failed as a best friend while I was so sick. Somehow I managed not to realize it until it was pointed out to me, and it's a pretty painful realization. The irony is that this "extended period of time" was a period during which I was doing absolutely everything in my (severely lacking) power to be a good friend. I was failing to take care of myself in an effort to take care of my best friend. This was a conscious decision, and I felt strongly that it was the right one, but now it seems as if none of my efforts did anyone any good. And this raises the question, why did I do all of that? I mean...I know exactly why I did it--because I wanted to (and I don't regret anything about it), but what purpose did any of it serve? I don't foresee myself figuring it out anytime soon.

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

For now, I'm trying not to focus too much on my failure, to remind myself that I did the best I could do. Operative word here: trying.

I hope he still wants it, but it might remind him of when,
he aimed for the bulls eye and hit it nine times out of ten
That one time his hand slipped, and I saw the dart sail away
I don't know where it landed, but I'm guessing between green and gray
We thought nothing of it, but it still haunts him like a ghost
With all eyes upon him, except two that matter the most

In any case, the whole thing has gotten me thinking about the interconnectedness of the details of our individual lives--the way every experience affects every other one, the way every relationship we have affects every other one, and so on. It's a pretty simple concept, but makes for such a complicated reality.

I had more to write about, but it'll have to wait. My coherence skills seem to be fading, and I think bedtime is drawing nigh.

If this going to run round in my head
I might as well be dreaming

saturday in the park...

I have a vague sense that I have a lot to say, but my mind feels a little...nebulous? So this post will probably be a bit disjointed.

Yet another wedding weekend has come and gone. My friend/academic hero, Scott, got married on Saturday, and it was a very beautiful wedding. It was fun to see several people who I hadn't seen in a while, particularly Dustin, another Emory psychology buddy, who I hadn't talked to for probably a year, and had missed a lot more than I realized. I also was quite blessed by some encouraging words from Kevin, which made me feel good about myself. He's such a sweetheart. Sadly, Sarah, Jodie, and I had to leave the reception much earlier than we would've liked because we (mostly Sarah) had such a long drive ahead of us, and from what I've heard, we missed out on a great deal of fun. Still, it was a great time, and I'm really glad I got to go. It was wonderful to spend time with Jodie and Sarah too. They're both M.Div. students, and I love getting to hear their conversations about theology. I feel like I'm constantly trying to latch onto their ideas and insights, which is exciting and challenging and fun, not to mention helpful, what with the spiritual rut I've been in. It's wonderful to be around people who are both passionate and deeply thoughtful about their faith, and such interaction has been a rarity for me as of late, it seems. It was also very fun (and weird, I must admit) to hear Jodie talk about married life. It's still seems crazy to me that I have friends who are married, and spending the night with them was especially surreal. I ended the weekeend by worshipping at Duke Chapel, which was an absolutely wonderful experience. I've been to cathedrals all over Europe, but I had never acutally been to a church service in one, and it was utterly thrilling. The huge size of it was such a powerful reminder of the sheer big-ness of the Almighty God.

"...how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." (Ephesians 3:18)

It's kind of strange coming home after these little trips. When I'm with my friends, I feel like I'm part of the world they live in, and they are real, live, adults, so I fee like I am too, until I get in the car to drive home... to my parents' house...where I live...which makes me feel like a child. I'm just in a strange place in my life, I guess, mostly because my current situation doesn't fit neatly into any sort of defined and agreed-upon category. There just isn't a label for a 20-something, intelligent, college-graduate who temporarily lives with her parents and (also temporarily) doesn't have a job, so I feel like I'm floating around somewhere between the shores of adult and child. I never liked labels anyway.

My dreams have been interesting lately. A certain someone who I thought I had finally stopped dreaming about has started showing up again, and it's kind of pissing me off. Also, not long ago, a celebrity was featured in one of my dreams for the first time, and it's been happening fairly frequently ever since. Last night, Morgan Freeman and Miley Cyrus. I don't know what that's about, but it's rather amusing.

I think I had more to talk about, but my brain is tired. Happy [...I think it was the] 4th of July.