Uninvented Colors

letting the good times roll

2012-02-12T17:20:00.001-05:00

It's carnival season on the Gulf Coast! Celebrating Mardi Gras is kind of a new thing to me since I'm not from here, but I have to say, it's kind of fun. My husband and I had big plans to head to New Orleans for parades today, but we opted out because it's too cold. I'm in the spirit though, so I decided to put together this little collection of photos from our Mardi Gras parade here in Ocean Springs last week--when it was warm! Hope you enjoy. :)

Are you letting the good times roll in your neck of the woods, too?

Café Du Monde (three ways)

2012-02-04T22:43:00.001-05:00

I spent a really fun Saturday in New Orleans a couple weeks back with my husband and some friends. It's such a photogenic city, and this was my first trip with my new camera! One of the shots I like from the day is this simple one of the ultra-touristy-but-still-awesome Café Du Monde. I'm showing it three ways here: the top version is straight-out-of-the-camera, the middle one is after editing, and the bottom one is after adding some texture.

What do you think? I am always a bit iffy about the texture thing, but I think I like the old-fashioned look here. Do you agree? (Is the bottom version better than the middle one?) Which one needs to be available in my shop?

2 1/2 Tonys

2012-01-31T23:33:00.000-05:00

I have another local friend having a baby (read: I found another opportunity to practice maternity photos)! Emily and Jon were great to work (play) with. I used some of what I learned last time and felt slightly more confident. However, due to scheduling conflicts, I ended up with less-than-ideal lighting conditions. I wasn't too excited about shooting in the midday sunlight, and I did end up with some crazy shadowy stripes that I couldn't fix, BUT I got some good editing experience and have a better understanding of how adjusting contrast and exposure can help downplay the brightness of the sun. There's always something to learn! Overall, I'm pleased with the results:

(You can see the whole collection here.) I'd love to know what you think!

shrimp boat haiku

2012-01-23T22:16:00.001-05:00

I love bright colors

no matter where I find them

(even on shrimp boats)

waterfall haiku

2012-01-15T17:15:00.002-05:00

there is nothing like

the flowing, rushing, splashing

sound of waterfalls

heron serendipity

2012-01-13T00:03:00.001-05:00

I've been wanting to take a decent picture of a great blue heron since I first started spotting them when I was new to the coast, but it's hard to get close to them without freaking them out. On an unrelated note, I've always wanted to try to create silhouettes with photography. You see where I'm going with this. On Sunday, I took a long walk on the beach with my awesome new camera, and, amazingly, a heron perched on a piling and posed for me for the longest time. I could only photograph it from one angle since I was standing out on a dock, and I was shooting almost straight into the sun, so it created a silhouette effect with no real effort on my part at all. So cool! I took a BUNCH of pictures, but these are two of my favorites:

What do you think? Should these be listed in my etsy shop? If so, should I offer them separately or as a set? (I've never done a set, but it might be interesting...)

fly away haiku

2012-01-08T14:33:00.002-05:00

sometimes, like Jen-ay,

what I really want to do

is just fly away

playtime portrait

2012-01-07T21:29:00.003-05:00

One of my goals for this year is to take more pictures of people. I have fantasies about photographing weddings, but I'm a long way from being good (or confident?) enough for that, so I'll take any opportunity for practice. I haven't had any formal portrait sessions yet, but I made the most of some playtime with my favorite two-year-old the other day, and that'll do for now. Isn't he adorable?

P.S. If you're reading this and (1) are on the Gulf Coast and (2) want your picture taken, let me know! :)

Mississippi moon

2012-01-01T23:52:00.003-05:00

Ever since I moved here, the Doobie Brothers have been singing in my head every time I look into the night sky:

Mississippi moon, won't you keep on shining on me?

my new toy

2011-12-27T13:51:00.002-05:00

First of all, I hope you and yours had a very merry Christmas! I sure did. I am blessed to be spending time with my loving family, celebrating the greatest gift of all, Jesus. That's the important stuff, but this year (more than any other in my memory), I am really excited about one of the material gifts that was under the tree for me this year. I felt like Ralphie with his Red Ryder BB Gun when I opened up my brand new Canon Rebel t3i/600D. It's my first DSLR camera, and it is beautiful and wonderful. I have a lot of learning to do, so I've only just begun to explore the possibilities of what I can do with it. At the moment, though, I'm having fun playing with bokeh--that dreamy effect that happens when points of light are out of focus.

I'm looking forward to learning, practicing, and improving my skills, so stay tuned to watch my progress. :)

100!

2011-12-23T16:31:00.001-05:00

I finally reached the milestone of having 100 sales in my etsy shop! I must admit I'm not great at setting measurable goals, but I had really hoped to reach this point in 2011, and I just made it! Here's a look at what was sold this year:

I am so grateful to all my fabulous customers who made this my best etsy year yet. Thank you so much! What shall I do to celebrate?

Christmas Spirit

2011-12-14T23:47:00.001-05:00

It may have been 75 degrees here in Mississippi today, but I'm getting in the Christmas spirit. The tree is lit, carols are playing, the stockings are hung. I have four more days of work before we head to Kentucky to be with my family (not that I'm counting or anything.) I have enough Christmas cheer to not even be bothered by the lack of sales in my etsy shop this holiday season despite a "cyber Monday" sale. I'm content with having just put 100+ of my photographs in the mail in the form of Christmas cards for our friends and family.

It really is better to give than to receive. :)

fall feet

2011-11-13T20:30:00.000-05:00

I love fall. And I love living on the Gulf Coast (more and more). But I don't love the combination of the two so much. The scarcity of deciduous trees means that our autumnal color leaves much to be desired. Good thing my sweet hubs is planning a trip for us to go (slightly) north to see a real fall for a couple of days soon. I can't wait to look down and see this:

trees for 2012

2011-11-01T22:24:00.000-04:00

I am really excited to be selling my first-ever calendar in my etsy shop! It features 12 images of my favorite photo subjects: trees, of course! It has been designed with lots of love and will inspire you all year long. :) Here's a glimpse:

You can get yours here. :)

butterfly before & after

2011-10-09T21:20:00.000-04:00

I love butterflies and have always wanted to be able to take decent pictures of them. Our backyard seems to be quite the playground for them right now, so I decided to give it a go yesterday afternoon. What a challenge--those things are fast! I did quite a bit of chasing and took tons of pictures that barely had butterflies in them at all because I was too slow. (This was quite different from the dragonfly that practically posed for me to the point where I thought it was dead.) Somehow, though, I did end up with some decent compositions that included butterflies. The problem is, I couldn't do any focusing because of how fast they were moving, so I just had my camera on auto the whole time, meaning I didn't capture the detail I would've liked. I ended up adding some texture to these two to play up the lack of clarity, which I think made for some improvement even though it's a bit of a cop-out. What do you think of these before-and-afters?

I'm in a book!

2011-10-01T22:58:00.002-04:00

I had a very exciting surprise waiting at my doorstep a couple of days ago. It was this book:

As soon as I unwrapped it, I remembered being contacted via my flickr stream last year about publishing a photo in an upcoming book of images of reflections. I submitted a few more but had long since forgotten. It turns out that these THREE photos made it:

See for yourself!

Needless to say, I'm a little bit excited. :)

It's a jungle out here!

2011-09-17T23:34:00.002-04:00

you never can tell

what kind of wildlife you'll find

in a Gulf Coast yard

peacock's perch

2011-09-04T18:23:00.001-04:00

What's the only thing more photogenic than a live oak tree? A live oak tree with a peacock in it, of course! I took this picture back in April at Rip Van Winkle Gardens and just added it to my etsy shop last night after a bit of editing. Check out the before and after. :)

textful textures

2011-08-16T22:56:00.000-04:00

I've been getting (free!) textures in my inbox from Kim Klassen for a while and had some fun playing with them last night. What do you think?

waiting

2011-07-10T10:07:00.001-04:00

This is one of my favorite pictures from my Hawaii trip, even though it's not particularly Hawaiian. When I first spotted this lady, her head was facing straight ahead. She seemed to be just enjoying the scenery, taking it all in... just being. It was a very peaceful scene, as are most of the ones I capture with my camera. But I must say I'm glad she turned her head to the side. It changes everything, don't you think? Now she's not completely content; she's alert, waiting, wondering, anticipating. This image is more like an inhale than an exhale, more like potential energy than kinetic. And I like it.

What do you think she's waiting for?

It's a boy!

2011-06-07T21:15:00.002-04:00

No, I'm not having a baby. But I do have exciting news. I had a great photography opportunity the other day. My dear friends, Mary and Brandon, are expecting a baby (in just a couple of weeks!) and wanted some maternity shots so they could remember this special time. They asked me to do it, I was really happy to oblige. I have wanted to try my hand at portrait photography for a long, long time. Even longer than I've wanted to be a therapist, actually (that's my real job.) It always made me nervous, though. My normal photography routine involves being alone (usually) and wandering around aimlessly with no pressure, no deadlines, and no particular audience in mind... so taking pictures of PEOPLE who have expectations about the result and a particular purpose for the photos is quite a different story. What better way to experiment with that than with super nice people who I know and love and who constantly encourage me? It was perfect. I had SO much fun. I was sad when it was over and wish I could do it again and again. And that's a good thing to know about myself.

It was definitely a learning experience, too. Because these pictures had so much more purpose than any I've ever taken, I scrutinized them a LOT. I looked at each and every one very carefully and recognized about 25 things I wish I had done differently, or more, or less. That sounds kind of "duh," but it was new for me. I don't usually do that with my photos. I pick out the ones I like, edit them to make them better, and pretty much ignore the rest. I focus on the positive. I don't always take criticism well, even from myself, but I got a lot of good self-criticism practice this go 'round. It was uncomfortable, but it also sort of felt good. Like soreness after a good workout. No pain, no gain, right? I don't know if or when I will be able to do something like this again, but I will be prepared with the knowledge that I couldn't have gotten without this experience, and I'm grateful for that. And excited about what might come of it.

But for now, what came of it is a bunch of pictures of Mary, Brandon, and (almost) Lawson. Here are a few of the ones I like. :)

What do you think? (Remember, I'm practicing taking criticism--bring it on! ;))

palm trees

2011-06-05T17:37:00.000-04:00

palm trees--whether in

black and white or in color--

make me feel relaxed

edited aloha

2011-05-22T01:08:00.000-04:00

I returned about a week ago from a trip to Hawaii. I had been looking forward to it for a long time, especially to the photo-taking opportunities. The trip was fun, but my pictures weren't as good as I'd hoped, partly because of the weather while we were there, perhaps. When I first saw them, I wasn't very pleased with what I'd captured. But I'm learning that art--even photography--is sometimes more about creating than capturing, and that's where some good editing comes in. It takes some patience and out-of-the-box thinking, but it pays off, I think. Check out the before...

And after!

Perhaps any picture can be good if you just find the right crop. What do you think?

waves haiku

2011-04-30T11:55:00.001-04:00

waves, when they roll in

seem to be saying to me

"everything's okay"

cover girl

2011-04-16T15:35:00.002-04:00

I've had a lot of aspirations in life, but being on the cover of a magazine was never one of them. Little did I know that when I volunteered to lend my editing skills to Method Press (the brainchild of my super-creative friend Katie King), I'd end up staring blankly at readers from the front cover!

This is the first issue, and I think Method Press is already shaping up to be pretty fabulous. This edition is filled with beautiful visuals and interesting interviews with artists, all tied together with the "blank stare" theme. Check it out! I don't think you'll be disappointed.

And for more info, check out the Method Press Blog. You can also like us on facebook!

step by step

2011-04-09T17:57:00.001-04:00

Sometimes people ask me about how much I edit my photos, and the quick answer is that it varies. Nonetheless, I thought it might be interesting to show you an example of the photo editing process. I'm still into flower shots, so I'm using one of those from last weekend.

This is the original:

First, I used iPhoto's "enhance" feature.

Next, and perhaps most importantly, I cropped it.

Then, I increased the exposure a bit.

I increased the saturation and warmed up the temperature.

And finally, I added a touch of the "Holga-ish" effect in Picnik.

And there you have it! Do you like the result?

little things haiku

2011-03-27T21:30:00.000-04:00

the macro setting

helps me to appreciate

all the little things

flowers and leaves haiku

2011-03-19T23:32:00.000-04:00

I do love flowers,

but leaves need attention too.

(It is only fair.)

budding haiku

2011-03-13T23:50:00.000-04:00

petals are still closed

but I can sense the promise

of beautiful blooms

rooted

2011-03-06T20:46:00.001-05:00

I added this one to the shop recently. It's no secret that trees are my favorite photo subjects, but most of my tree shots happen when I look up instead of down, so this one's a bit different. I love the light and shadows. And I love that I took this picture in my hometown where my own metaphorical roots are.

Where are you rooted?

blooming garb of spring

2011-02-27T21:02:00.003-05:00

Spring has sprung! Yes, I know it's still February, but things warm up early on the coast. I've been ooh-ing and aah-ing about how perfect everything looks and feels around me right now. A hymn we sang in church today reminded me, though, that all that points to something greater.

"Fair are the meadows, fairer still the woodlands,

robed in the blooming garb of spring:

Jesus is fairer, Jesus is purer

who makes the woeful heart to sing."

Amen.

texture fun

2011-02-23T22:09:00.001-05:00

I browse the work of lots of photographers and have long been fascinated by how many of them use "textures"to enhance their photos. Basically, these are just images that can be layered with other images to create the illusion of texture. I got Pixelmator for Christmas (thanks, Mom!) and now have the capacity to play with layers myself! AND I recently won a set of free texture images by Life-n-Reflection (who sells her fabulous stuff here)! What luck! Here are a couple of things I've done with them so far.

I took this first one for Miss Match when the theme was "loss." It's a house that was destroyed (mostly) in Katrina. I love how "FEMA" is front and center, and I thought the texture added to the messiness. It also makes it look like an old picture, which seems fitting since this house has obviously looked like this for years and seems to have been forgotten or left behind.

I took this second one on Thanksgiving Day in Gloucester, Virginia and didn't especially like it before, but it seems to have a sense of dreaminess now that makes it a bit more interesting. I definitely haven't mastered this texture thing yet, but it's a fun new possibility.

What do you think? Should I put either of these in my shop?

steps haiku

2011-02-09T19:16:00.000-05:00

he says right now, and

he says hurry, but I say

one step at a time

abandoned haiku

2011-02-06T21:52:00.000-05:00

i am curious:

what did this place used to be?

will it be again?

early bird

2011-01-31T22:31:00.001-05:00

I'm a member of an Etsy "street team" called the Female Photographers of Etsy (fPOE), and it has been such a great experience. I have learned a lot from these ladies and am consistently inspired by their talent and creativity. One of the coolest parts of fPOE is the Miss Match diptych project. Each week, themes and partners are assigned, and we create corresponding photos. I have participated six times now, and it has been such fun challenge!

This week, my partner and I had the theme "early bird." I had never experimented with self-portraits too much, but I decided to go for it, and here's what I came up with:

I wasn't so sure how I felt about it at first, but it's growing on me. I would love to know what you think of it!

(To find out how the diptych turned out and find out more about the project, check out the Miss Match blog.)

lighthouse: before and after

2011-01-29T21:23:00.000-05:00

I think I like editing pictures just as much as taking them in the first place. More, maybe. I took this photo in Bermuda on my honeymoon in June:

There's nothing wrong with it, but it wasn't one of the ones I loved from the trip. It didn't speak to me. For whatever reason, I came back to it today and decided to play with it a little (or a lot.) I LOVE the result!

I love how dreamy and dramatic it looks now! If you do, too, you're in luck: I just listed it in the shop! :)

yarn haiku

2011-01-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

some people can knit

but I am content simply

to photograph yarn

trees without leaves

2011-01-24T21:13:00.001-05:00

I took this one from the Rite-Aid parking lot. I think that's what I love about photography--it doesn't require a studio and free time and lots of materials and expertise. I don't have to set aside time for photographing; I can just do it as I go along my regular life that includes boring things like stopping to get more Halls after work because I'm coughing my brains out. Right in the middle of that, I can find beauty and stop for a moment to take it in. Lately I have been drawn to the look of naked trees against the sky. You don't see a lot of that here in Mississippi because so few trees are deciduous. I never thought about that much until my most recent trip to Kentucky for Christmas, during which I kept finding myself in awe of the wonderful patterns branches make when leaves aren't in the way. I snapped this one just outside my Mamaw's house:

Neither of these are in my shop yet, but I'm thinking I should change that. Do you agree?

back again (again)

2011-01-23T17:44:00.000-05:00

It's a little late for a New Year's Resolution, but here I am again. I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what to do with it. If you've been following me here for a while, you know that I used to write a lot about my internal (spiritual, emotional, intellectual...) life as well as about what was going on in my every day (external) life. It was very therapeutic for me. Then I went to graduate school and began struggling to express myself freely through writing (due to doing lots of school writing that felt very constrained and sometimes dishonest.) I felt really bad about that and tried to get back in the habit of writing about my real self well. I still wasn't good at it (anymore) though, so this blog started to be mostly about my photography and my etsy shop. But for some reason I felt guilty about that and didn't want it to be that way. So I didn't blog at all. Some super important external life events have happened (marriage! finishing my Master's degree! getting my first "real" therapist job!), and I still didn't write.

Well, here's what I've decided. If words aren't naturally flowing out of my soul anymore, SO BE IT. I forgive myself for that. It just is what it is. The other day I was watching Julie Andrews on Oprah, and in talking about losing her amazing voice due to illness and beginning writing children's books, she said that her daughter comforted her by telling her she didn't lose her voice, she just found a new way to use it. Well, I think that happened to me too. Writing wasn't a joyful thing for me anymore because of graduate school (or whatever), and photography became my new voice. Of course I can still write (like I am right now), but the way I feel connected to God and the world, the way I transcend the humdrum of everyday, the way I feel creative and free and alive, is through images. That may change, but for now, I'm going to accept it, appreciate it, nurture it, and yes, blog it. :)

giveaway!

2010-04-21T10:14:00.003-04:00

Hello, beloved blog readers! Just a quick note to tell you that you could win two free 5x7 prints from my etsy shop by entering this giveaway hosted by Salad for Breakfast! I've won some cool stuff from etsy-related blog giveaways, so I thought it was appropriate to share the love. :) You can choose ANY two photos from my shop if you win, including these new ones you might not have seen yet!

The giveaway only runs for a few days, so hurry up! ;)

ugly things

2010-04-15T16:19:00.001-04:00

sometimes, ugly things--

if you look at them just right--

are almost pretty

wisteria love

2010-04-09T11:25:00.008-04:00

Wisteria is blooming everywhere around me right now. It's kind of strange, because I lived here all last Spring too, and somehow I failed to take note of this beautiful flower. I'm pretty observant, but I just don't remember the world looking like this last April! Maybe spending 12+ hours in cinderblock rooms without windows every day has just made me that much more appreciative of the natural world. In any case, wisteria is one of my new favorite things. I've been wanting to take some pictures of it for a couple of weeks and just didn't have time to make it happen. So when I discovered (yesterday) that there was a bunch of it growing right behind my building, I had to have a little photo shoot. I still want to get some more pictures in other locations and with better light, but I was pleasantly surprised at how some of these turned out (post-iphoto editing, that is), so I thought I'd share. :)

unholy week

2010-04-03T23:48:00.003-04:00

So, clearly I failed miserably at "blogging for Lent." It wasn't one of my best ideas, I have to say. I've amassed a huge list of blog ideas that should be explored and recorded, but actually doing it seems like work. So when I contemplate trying to write, all I can think of is how I have so much "real" work to do, so if I'm going to feel like I'm working, I may as well do something school related. Pathetic, I know. As if dedication to discipleship is less productive? I'm rather ashamed of my failure. I suck.

But then again, I guess that's the point. I suck, and that's why I need Jesus. And that's why I'm thankful for the resurrection.

Happy Easter.

overheard in southern Mississippi

2010-03-30T23:21:00.003-04:00

Urgh... still failing at blogging. I had a few interesting ideas worth writing about throughout the day, but my energy is gone now, so I'm going to take a cue from "Overheard in New York" and just share something funny that I overheard while walking across campus today:

"I mean... we wasn't doing anything! We was just conversatin'..... we was just CONVERSATIN'!!!!"

Yikes. When I said funny, I really meant tragic.

....blogging isn't looking good for tomorrow either. I have TWO NEW clients to see on top of my normal busyness, and I just realized that I didn't really schedule time for eating. Oops. :/

jazzing it up

2010-03-27T23:29:00.004-04:00

live new orleans jazz

looks better in black and white

(but SOUNDS colorful)

wishes

2010-03-26T23:29:00.006-04:00

it's both a fountain

and, yes, a dandelion,

so make TWO wishes!

be her guest

2010-03-25T16:45:00.004-04:00

Brigita of the etsy shop bluejules graciously allowed me to be a guest blogger today! She's starting a series called "around the world," in which artists and crafters introduce both their creations and the places where they live. Since my photography is so closely tied to where I live and have lived, I thought it would be fun to join in. See what I have to say here!

...yeah yeah, I know it's a bit ironic that I'm struggling with my commitment to blogging for Lent and yet have no trouble contributing to other people's blogs. It doesn't make sense to me, either.

Wait. Actually, it does. This was easier because it was like an assignment (albeit a voluntary one.) There was a deadline. And guidelines. Like graduate school. Like what I'm used to. I associate writing with duty and evaluation now and am having trouble linking it to my own mental health and spiritual growth. My guest blog is sort of personal and reflective though. Apparently I can still do that, but only on demand.

Graduates school is eating away at my soul.

I am kidding, but only sort of.

victory is ours

2010-03-24T22:14:00.005-04:00

I finished my work with a therapy client a couple weeks ago after fifteen sessions and have been on a bit of a professional high ever since. She set a goal for herself that was pretty overwhelming even to me, and I did not know how we were going to get there--if we were going to get there. It was really, really hard work. We had conversations that reached a level of depth and intimacy that I believe many people don't ever experience. I challenged her. I helped her to make connections that she couldn't see on her own. I asked her to describe some pretty horrifying stuff--stuff I can't really imagine living through. I asked her to acknowledge it, to face it. To face her own feelings--to face herself. I encouraged her, nudged her toward the goal, all the while feeling in over my head and fearing that it was just too big, too much.

It wasn't too much: she did it. We did it, and I am so, so proud. It's that funny kind of pride that's so paradoxically mixed up with humility, but it's on a level that I haven't experienced before. Because it's not really about me; I'm proud of her...and yet, I know that I was an important part, maybe even an essential part.

I'm not a parent, but I think maybe it's like that. I know my own parents act as if my accomplishments are beyond them. They think I'm smarter and more capable and more creative than they are. They think they couldn't have done what I'm doing. I'm always uncomfortable about this claim, partly because I think they don't give themselves enough credit, but also because it just doesn't make sense to me. Because, in the most basic way, what am I but the sum of my parents? Certainly I grew up as a person who is different from both of them, perhaps because I am not just a biological and genetic being, but have been shaped by experiences which aren't necessarily the same as my parents'. But still, my parents are the context for all of that. They didn't teach me everything I know, but they sent me to school and helped me with my homework. I did a lot of things myself, but I did them in the safe, nurturing, encouraging, secure container of my family, my home. I was the one achieving, but they facilitated my achievement, and that's a pretty big deal.

I think that's what I was for this client. She isn't me, and she is the one who accomplished this goal. It does feel like it's beyond me, like I couldn't have done it. And yet, it was done in a context that I created--the container of our therapeutic alliance. She may have gone further than I can go, but I'm still the one who facilitated her journey. I cannot imagine spending my life doing anything better than this.

And yet, I know this doesn't always (or even usually) happen in therapy. Highly motivated clients aren't the norm, and the modal number of counseling sessions is one. Some people "work on" the same things for years with no progress because they aren't really "working" at all. Or they are, but the therapist doesn't know how to facilitate this particular change for this particular client. It's complicated and messy, and it doesn't always work. I have certainly seen it not work a million times.

But I am so thankful for this client who unwittingly convinced me that sometimes it does work. This is not futile work. There is something powerful about therapy. About getting down to the real stuff of life, being ok with unpacking the huge mess of the soul with the confidence that it can be cleaned up, improved, maybe even healed. I am absolutely sure now that there is something powerful about me, in a room with someone else, listening, validating, understanding, guiding.

I will feel discouraged and frustrated and doubtful again (and again, and again), I know. Maybe even tomorrow. But I will always have this victory to remind that there's hope. I know that I will always be thankful for this client and our time together. If I ever don't think this work is worth it, I will think of her, and I will keep going.

banana leaves

2010-03-23T22:42:00.004-04:00

I was talking the other day about how even though I miss hills and fall leaves, I have come to really love some things about the southern Mississippi landscape. At the time, I was mostly talking about live oak trees and Gulf sunsets, but seeing this treasury, I realize that banana trees should be added to the list!

There are actually TWO banana tree photos in my etsy shop!

Thanks for the treasury love, oritoart!

living statue

2010-03-22T14:29:00.003-04:00

a living statue:

completely still, unmoving,

but with a heartbeat

second thoughts

2010-03-21T21:01:00.004-04:00

Obviously, this daily blogging thing isn't going very well. The end of Spring Break was very busy and hectic (and fun!) and I just couldn't make time. This is probably my least successful Lenten commitment ever, and I've been observing the season since about 4th grade, I think. :/ I think I didn't really think this one through. Giving up something works well because you don't have to put a lot of mental energy into avoiding it each time...it can be meaningful without you having to go out of your way to think consciously about how meaningful it is every time you do it, or, you know, don't do it. But blogging is something that is not meaningful in and of itself. It's only meaningful if I write something meaningful, that I spend time thinking about. And apparently spending time thinking and writing about something meaningful every day in the midst of my stressful life was a bit of a tall order. I really don't want to write more "just because I have to" entries, because that kind of defeats the purpose, but I don't want to give up on this either. What a conundrum. I guess I'll just keep trying.

just because I have to

2010-03-19T00:21:00.003-04:00

I kind of wish I hadn't promised to blog every day during Lent, because it seems stupid to bother when I am exhausted and am not going to say anything interesting, but here goes. I'm not sick anymore (thank the Lord), and we had a really fun (and delicious) day with Katie and Nathan. To New Orleans tomorrow!

grass is greener

2010-03-17T22:05:00.002-04:00

Just randomly met someone who mentioned places like Bristol and Abingdon, and it made me feel nostalgic.

the grass IS greener

when the other side is a

place called Virginia

being here now

2010-03-16T21:01:00.004-04:00

Still sick today. It kind of makes me feel like this:

Appropriately, this photo was featured in a treasury on etsy today.

Thanks, jeniferglagowski! Also appropriately, the treasury's title was "be here now," the ultimate call to mindfulness. I haven't been great at living in the present moment during school time (part of the reason I thought blogging for Lent was a good idea), but now that it's break time, I'm much better at it. Sadly, the present moments as of late have consisted of lying on the couch trying to feel better. I must say I'm pretty irked that I'm sick just in time for Spring Break. On the other hand, I guess it would've been worse to feel like this while I was supposed to be doing productive things. My main concern is that starting tomorrow evening, I need to be a co-hostess and have lots of on-the-go fun, which is a little inconsistent with my current state of being. But there I go getting ahead instead of living in the present.

Here, now, I am lying on the couch. My throat hurts less than before, and I haven't been coughing much. I can breathe through my nose. I don't have any energy, but that's ok, because I don't really have to do anything. I have a sweet hubby-to-be to take care of me. I think I'll ask him for yet another cup of chamomile tea with honey. Maybe being here now isn't that bad, after all.

color of the year

2010-03-15T22:39:00.009-04:00

Still feeling crappy today (I'm on cup #5 of chamomile tea), so I don't think I'm up to organizing any coherent thoughts here. Instead, I'll return to an old blogging habit and express a little etsy gratitude. Many thanks to 'Chel of lavajewelry for featuring my "White with Foam" photo in this turquoise-themed treasury! She calls turquoise the "2010 color of the year." Works for me!

sick leave

2010-03-14T18:37:00.004-04:00

Another blog fail yesterday. :( Adding something to my life is proving to be much more difficult than giving something up. The sudden change to warm spring weather has my sinuses all messed up, so I spent most of yesterday curled up in a ball on the couch, consuming benadryl and vitamin-C drops. We'll just say I observed the Sabbath yesterday instead of today and call it even. ;)

I'm feeling a bit better today, but I'm coughing (and singing hymns an octave too low at church.) It's just my luck that I'm under the weather just in time for Spring Break, but I'm trying to look on the bright side. My future brother- and sister-in-law are coming to visit us in a few days, and I'm very excited to see them. Might be hard to make time for blogging while they're here too, but I'm hoping I can find time to post just a little something every day.

For now, I have to continue "getting the house ready." It looks as though I've been assigned laundry and kitchen detail. Maybe my head will clear up a bit so that I can think of something more interesting to say tomorrow.

Spring has sprung!

2010-03-12T22:50:00.006-05:00

I've recovered from my exhausting week, I think, but nonetheless, Spring Break could not have come at a better time. And now that I don't have to be trapped in a building all day, I can appreciate how beautiful the world outside has become! Spring has sprung, indeed!

"See! The winter is past;

the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come..."

-Song of Songs 2:11-12

these dreams

2010-03-11T10:04:00.007-05:00

"These dreams go on when I close my eyes. Every second of the night, I live another life..."
-Heart

Last night, two other lives. Neither of which I want to live.

Let me back up. Obviously, I didn't blog yesterday despite my Lent commitment. I'm not going to beat myself up about it because 1) I don't have the energy for that and 2) I think it's more righteous to "try harder next time" than to give up because I didn't measure up to some rigid but arbitrary goal I set for myself. That being said, I didn't forget to blog yesterday... but by the time I was done with everything else I had to do, I just couldn't make myself do it. It's been a really, really, exhausting couple of school/work days. I had only done one intake interview all semester, but I had to do two of them on the same day (Tuesday), and just that little extra time and effort kind of sent me over the edge. Being on the go for 12+ hours a day--especially in this environment where I feel like every move I make is going to be evaluated--is just too much for me. When I got home from school yesterday (and by school, I mean work, lunch, clinic paperwork, research meeting, dinner, yoga, supervision, more paperwork), I was completely spent. I can't remember being this exhausted for a long time. I didn't take any time to decompress or reflect or chill out or pray or even talk to Alexander. I just collapsed onto my bed.

Oh, how I wish I hadn't done that. I had horrible dreams. And I hardly ever have bad dreams. I dreamed, basically, that I was one of my clients. I was still me, but I was experiencing some really stressful interpersonal things that my new client is currently experiencing. I woke up at 3 a.m. (I don't think I've done that since I've been thyroid-less) and was exahusted, but so relieved that "it was just a dream." It took me quite a while to go back to sleep (again, hasn't happened since 2007, I don't think), and when I did go back to sleep, it got worse. In the next dream, I started having a horribly traumatic experience that my other client experienced as a kid. I can't even bring myself to say out loud (or type out loud) what it was. I woke up at 6 feeling more mentally exhausted than I was when I went to sleep.

Clearly, this is not a good situation. Therapists should not be unconsciously experiencing their clients' trauma. It might seem like I have no boundaries and can't leave therapy in therapy like I should. But really, I'm pretty good at that, usually, because I spend waking time reflecting about it so that I can put it away and move on. I've actually been pretty pleased with my ability to do that so far in my "career" as a therapist. I guess it's easy for me, because I naturally take time to reflect, which actually helps these sort of thoughts not to follow me around when I don't want them to. I give them attention when they need it (which is usually right after sessions or in this case, supervision), and then I file them away for next week. But my fatigue stopped me from doing that. The last thing I did yesterday was talk to my supervisor about my clients (and then get their paperwork in order.) Since I didn't have my normal decompression time, all that crap was still floating around unresolved, so it showed up in the worst way possible.

One positive: I have a whole new level of empathy for what these clients have experienced.

Another positive: I have a whole new appreciation for the importance of "self care" as it relates to clinical work. It is so, so important for me not to get so exhausted that I don't have time to chill out.

Lord, come quickly. And bring Spring Break with you.

exhausted haiku

2010-03-09T22:29:00.001-05:00

two intakes, classes

eleven hours on campus

and there's nothing left

dawn

2010-03-08T23:17:00.001-05:00

the sun is rising

on a day that is brand new

and i am ready

jesus, sigmund freud, and me

2010-03-06T21:52:00.002-05:00

I’ve been teaching some gifted teenagers about psychology for the last seven Saturdays as a part of my assistantship, and today was the last day of the program. I’ve enjoyed it; I love teaching, and I’m pretty good at it. I’ve even had moments of thinking that I “missed my calling” (like my boss told me), but today, I’m glad it’s over and that I’m going to spend my life doing therapy instead.

I brought my Sigmund Freud action figure today since we were talking briefly about psychoanalysis, and my kids got a kick out of it. I probably shouldn’t have explained the significance of his cigar, but I did. ;) I stopped short, though, of telling them how this action figure is part of my favorite metaphor for life. You see, someone who knew me very well bought this action figure for me several years ago, along with a Jesus action figure, and these two men have been standing side by side on various shelves in various places I’ve lived (Emory, Radford, Ashland, Hattiesburg) ever since. The point of this gift, of course, was that I am a psychology student and a Christian, so these two guys represent my worldview even though they look like a rather strange and humorous pair.

My worldview, though, is obviously not one half psychology and the other half faith. Faith comes first, and psychology is contained by it, guided by it, supported by it. That part of the metaphor has made itself concrete in the action figures too, much to my amusement and, well, inspiration. You see, the Jesus action figure has a broad base and two wheels on the bottom, so it’s very stable. Sigmund, however, has two skinny little feet that don’t always seem to be exactly level. He falls over backward quite easily. That’s why he has to stand so close to Jesus: Jesus’s hand is always right behind Freud’s, propping him up so he doesn’t fall.

It’s funny, yes. But it’s also such a clear picture of God’s sovereignty and love. Christ might appear to be just a part of the story, but none of the other characters would be around if he weren’t there first. Even things that are not “Christian” are able to exist only because of the life given them by God. Sigmund might not notice Jesus standing there at all, but Jesus’s presence is the only thing keeping Sigmund Freud (and me) standing.

solitude

2010-03-05T18:41:00.004-05:00

sometimes a bird needs

a moment of solitude

to plan her next move

a crowded room

2010-03-04T22:29:00.003-05:00

oh, for the love of color!

2010-03-03T17:09:00.009-05:00

One of my favorite things to do online is to make treasuries on etsy. I'll use pretty much any excuse to browse this wonderful site (and drool over all the things I'd have if space and money were unlimited), but it's especially fun to feel like I'm curating my own little art gallery. If you've visited my etsy shop (or my apartment), you know that I love color; that was the inspiration for my latest treasury. I'm so in awe of some of these artworks that I can't resist sharing!

Check out this beautiful "Canyon Dreams" painting by Pam Van Londen! I could just stare at these rich colors all day long. I love how you can so clearly see the brushstrokes and that the minute details of the landscape aren't there, and yet this image is unmistakably a beautiful canyon and river. Pam says she's inspired by "the visual patterns and dance of light," and that definitely comes through in this piece. There's no big yellow circle of a sun, but the perception of sunlight really shines through! Perhaps that's because Pam does her painting "en plein air" meaning that she's outdoors while she paints. She also paints daily, so there are many beautiful canvases to look through in her shop! There's a lot of variety in terms of style, subject matter, and size (and therefore price), so go have a look! You're sure to be inspired.

Since I started my etsy shop, I have become more and more aware that I have quite a fascination with trees. Most of my favorite photos are of trees, and I always gravitate toward other artists' representations of trees, too. An example is this lovely little painting by Elizabeth Soares, aka elleven11. I love the thickness of paint and that each leaf is so distinct. If only leaves could turn blue and purple in autumn in real life! Elizabeth has a very consistent style throughout her shop, so I can imagine that several of her pieces grouped together would be just fabulous on a wall. Check out all the options in her shop!

This next piece by Amy Gibson and Andrea Read of colorstorydesigns combines my loves of color and trees with my favorite material to play with: pieces of old magazines! I love that it's three-dimensional like a diorama! These tree shadowboxes come in all different sizes and color schemes, so there's something for everyone's aesthetic. This shop also has some of the coolest mirrors and picture frames I have ever seen. Check them out!

Other color-loving artists included in my treasury were whimsyfish, bdollco, jlovesupreme, ChatonDesigns, MadeMary, woollyfabulous, missmosh, peacockandpeccary, and magicrayons. Exploring their shops will brighten your day, I'm sure. :)

a place to sit

2010-03-02T09:57:00.007-05:00

there are some days when

all you really need in life

is a place to sit

being > doing

2010-03-01T22:00:00.003-05:00

In the field of counseling, we spend a lot of time researching, writing, and talking about different treatment approaches. Some disciples of certain theoretical orientations or interventions seem to be quite invested in making sure theirs are the “best.” But data (and experience) keep telling us that what we “do” as therapists matters less than how we do it—or maybe even who we are. We use the term “common factors” to refer to things like genuineness, empathy, hope, warmth, and unconditional positive regard—things that characterize good therapists whose clients experience improvement. Sometimes we conceptualize this as “being,” contrasting it with the “doing” of interventions.

I’ve always believed in the idea that the most important thing is that I care about my clients, but sometimes, in session, it doesn’t feel like enough. I can care all day long, but what if I don’t know what to do? I’ve begun to trust my instincts a lot more than I did at first, but sometimes I still wonder if the “common factors” are really all they’re cracked up to be.

But Alexander and I had our third pre-marital counseling session with our pastor on Sunday, and it really restored my faith in the idea that being is more therapeutic than doing. You see, our pastor is 1) very young and 2) not a counselor at all. He makes no bones about the fact that he is not trained in counseling and is largely winging it. I have to admit that I sometimes find myself silently assessing what he’s doing and thinking about all the ways I would do it differently if I were in his shoes. For example, this week, Alex and I completed a questionnaire about the “five love languages” (based on this book), and our session focused on a discussion of our results. Except there was no “processing” of our experience completing the questionnaire or even of our initial responses to our results. We turned them in, he interpreted them, he talked about what they might mean for us. It was several minutes before either of us had an opportunity to say anything at all. Our pastor didn’t ask us if his words made sense to us; he didn’t ask us for examples (though I gave some anyway.) Knowing what I know about using psychological assessment in counseling, I would say that he did it all wrong. And speaking in this technical sense, I might even say that what he “did” was a waste (at least for me), because the information that the questionnaire gave us was not news to me—I already know how I communicate love. I already know how Alex communicates love. I already recognize that these aren’t always the same, and I already work hard both to communicate love in the way he receives it and to recognize when he’s communicating love to me. From an intervention/treatment/ “doing” perspective, it was useless.

And yet… it wasn’t! At all! It was a really, really, really positive experience that I enjoyed quite a lot. Our pastor is very intelligent, and a really nice guy. He’s real with us. He’s present with us. He welcomes us, he likes us, he deeply desires for us to be blessed and fulfilled in our marriage, and he faithfully believes that we will be. We left our session feeling happy, refreshed, confident, supported, loved, and excited about what’s ahead. And what more could I want for my clients than that?

cop out haiku

2010-02-27T22:51:00.003-05:00

good day: teaching kids,

good food, live music, alex,

no cigarette smoke

affected

2010-02-26T17:02:00.004-05:00

For one of my classes this week, we all took the VIA Survey of Character Strengths (here) and discussed our results. These were my "top strengths:"

1. Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith
2. Curiosity and interest in the world
3. Judgement, critical thinking, and open-mindednesss
4. Capacity to love and be loved
5. Love of learning

I was struck by one of my classmates who was sharing that my "#1 strenghth" was at the bottom of his own list. He said, "I believe, but I don't let it affect me." At first, my (internal) reaction was, I admit, quite smug. Clearly he has missed something. It is impossible to come into contact with the creator of the universe, the lover of our souls, and not be affected. This guy obviously doesn't know God!

And yet... Is it obvious that I do know God? Do I live in such a way that people know I have come into contact with the creator of the universe, the lover of my soul?

Lord Jesus, please affect me. Amen.

dead and alive

2010-02-25T22:22:00.001-05:00

Is it ironic

that in the "dead of winter"

I feel so alive?

strength

2010-02-24T22:31:00.008-05:00

I just sold a print of this photo (called "Southern Strength") to a fellow etsian who shared with me that it reminded her of a friend who is currently going through a divorce. After giving the photo to her friend, the buyer wrote to me again to let me know that her friend was very encouraged by the picture. The buyer also shared that her friend is a fellow Christian who "knows where that strength comes from." I feel so humbled, so blessed to get to participate in the experience of giving and encouragement between friends in difficult times....even when they are people I don't know. It is so beautiful that this easy, fun hobby of mine can produce fruit that can bring a glimmer of hope into someone's life in the midst of pain. And Nehemiah 8:10 is true... the joy of the Lord is her strength. And mine, too. Thanks be to God.

very engaging pictures

2010-02-24T00:50:00.005-05:00

Alex and I had engagement photos taken last week, and it was a really fun experience! Our photographer, Wendy Wilson, was so nice and such fun to work with! The pictures are up for viewing now, and some of them are on her blog! Go check it out!

water lilies

2010-02-22T12:03:00.004-05:00

these water lilies

are not quite like Claude Monet's

but still beautiful

being transformed

2010-02-20T20:06:00.009-05:00

After a hiatus of more than two years, I spontaneously returned to my collage-making hobby. It was a strange sort of impulse which I couldn't quite make sense of at first. Being the existentialist that I am, I have tried to find some meaning in this seemingly random event. Here is what I came up with. The last time I made a bunch of collages was when I first started to feel better after (or at the end of) my battle with hyperthyroidism. I was starting to feel hopeful, starting to look ahead and see something better than my (then) current state. I didn't think about this at that time, but since then I have thought that there was some metaphor to my creative activity: I put lots of little, insignificant, disparate pieces of paper together and tried to make them into something that made sense, and that was exactly what I wanted to do with myself. I wanted to put myself back together and make sense again. Each collage was a microcosm of me--if I could make something with pieces of paper, maybe there was hope for the pieces of me.

In a way, I'm in the same boat now. I'm not sick anymore (I continue to praise God for this), but I'm preparing to try to make something new out my life, which currently feels disjointed. There are a lot of good things my life, but none of them are matched up neatly right now. I constantly have one foot in Ocean Springs and one foot in Hattiesburg, so I feel like I'm not fully a part of either one. Alex and I are growing closer (and happier, and better at working together), but I'm still an hour and a half away and see him only on weekends. I'm a member of a new church (more on this later), but I can't be there regularly. I'm planning (ok, helping to plan) a wedding and a move, but I still haven't guaranteed an internship that is close to the place I'm moving to. I'm trying to maintain relationships with happily unattached friends whom I can identify with less and less but whom I love and want to relate to. I'm jumping through the hoops of grad school even though my mind is not usually in the game. I'm struggling to complete a research project that I care very little about while wanting to focus more on my clients whom I care very much about. All these pieces are just not creating the whole, singular, beautiful, unified picture that my heart longs to be. That is why I have come back to finding solace in putting paper pieces together again--it reassures me that I will be put together too, soon enough.

Here is one of my new creations:

It's my favorite Bible verse, Romans 12:2. I love these words because they speak to a part of faith that many people seem to overlook (or miss out on) but that has been powerfully and beautifully real to me. Christianity, too often for my taste, is characterized chiefly by "touchy-feely," emotional things or by outward, behavioral events. Too often, faith in Christ is seen as something that disagrees with intellect. This may be true in some cases at some times, but I have found that my richest and clearest experiences with God have been when I think--question, wrestle, wonder, study, try to figure it out. I recognize that I will never "arrive" (at least not in this earthly life), but I cannot imagine missing out on this journey.

Lord Jesus, please let Lent be a time of renewal despite the countless distractions; please restore my faith in your perfect will. Amen.

lame name shame

2010-02-19T14:43:00.002-05:00

I am really, really excited about getting married. I am excited about having a husband and being a wife and sharing everything and being partners. I really am.

But I am not excited about being named Sara Miller. Not at all. I love, love, LOVE my last name, and I am very conflicted about changing it. I've been thinking about it for a long time and I thought I would've had it all sorted out by now, but I still don't know what to do.

In college, I did a lot of reading about feminism and came to strongly identify with its philosophy. (I am not talking about man-bashing or female supremacy here, but actual feminism, which is really about equality, overcoming barriers that oppress both genders. Just wanted to clear that up.) I became aware of all the "rules" that society gives to women (and men) and the ways that I obey them without question. I began to realize how many of our cultural traditions are rooted in a patriarchal system that was based on the idea that women are property of men. I decided, among other things, that if I got married, I would not change my name. Why should I have to? I am not becoming property of my husband anymore than he is becoming property of me. And no one would ever think to expect a husband to change his name! Why not? Why does it have to be me? Especially when I have the coolest name in the whole world. It was settled.

And to a large extent, this is still how I feel. Except.... I want to be a mom someday. I want to have a family, and this seems to create name issues that I'd rather not deal with. If we have kids, whose name do they get? In most cases, they get the dad's name (which is just as logical as the mom's name, unless you give them different names, which I think is weird.) Do I really want to have a different name than everyone in my future family? Do I want to be a part of the Miller family but not really be a Miller myself? I'm not sure I feel great about this idea.

There is always the hyphen, I'm told. I could be Sara Montague-Miller. But that's a bit of a mouthful and will annoy people to no end, I'm sure. There's also the option of keeping my name and hyphenating the names of the (hypothetical) kids. But on top of the mouthful issue, this creates a whole new set of problems for when they get married. If I had a daughter named so-in-so Montague-Miller who was getting married, she would be having the same conflict I'm having now but with the added problem of a third last name! It's just a mess.

Because of all these kid-related difficulties (not that kids are coming along anytime soon, mind you), I have been trying to convince myself to just suck it up and change my name. It makes things easier for everyone.

But it's participating in a system that I truly dislike. And yet, more recently it has occurred to me that keeping my name does not really get me out of the patriarchy system at all. My name is Montague because of my dad, after all. Even my mom's "maiden name" (I am not a fan of this term) is there because of her dad. So no matter how far back I could theoretically go to find a name to change to, it would still be a "family name" only because it was the name of a man. So if I'm going to have a man's name, maybe it would make more sense for it to be my husband's name and not my dad's.

Except that my (almost) husband's name is Miller and my dad's name is Montague, and it is quite clear which one is better.

My dear brother, who is far more conservative than I am, and also quite an eloquent writer, tried to ease my mind by telling me that I will always be a Montague because "that branding is internal, and eternal." This may be true, but I remain jealous of his male privilege of being "allowed" (expected) to keep the external branding, too.

I guess it seems like I'm still leaning toward "sucking it up," but it's really hard letting go of being Sara Ames Montague. Is that weird?

I would love to know your thoughts.

Valentine rhyme time

2010-02-18T09:55:00.007-05:00

I used to be a hater of Valentine's Day, and I'm still not into Hallmark and roses and chocolate and obligatory money spending, but this year, I just couldn't resist expressing my sentiments to my groom-to-be (who, by the way, is also doing most of the wedding planning, which clearly makes him the best groom-to-be ever [not that there was any doubt.]) Here's a virtual version of the Valentine I gave him:

I'm glad that I don't have to ask,
"Alex, will you be mine?"
I'm glad that I already know

that you're my Valentine.

I'm gladder still that we will be

sweet Valentines for life,

since this time next year, I will be

both Valentine and wife!

blogging for Lent

2010-02-17T10:40:00.006-05:00

Graduate school has made me not like writing anymore, hence my very long hiatus from blogging. It makes me sad though, because when I do blog, I'm always glad that I did. So today, Ash Wednesday, I've decided to start "blogging for Lent." I usually do the traditional "giving up" of something during this season, but I was having trouble coming up with anything this year. I normally choose a food or drink that I love, but I'm already on a bit of a (pre-wedding!) health kick, so that doesn't really work. Instead, I'm going to add something that is (apparently) a bit of a sacrifice, but which is good for me. I'm not going to try to catch up on life necessarily (I already gave away my big news anyway ;)). I don't even think I'll make a plan for what I'll write about. But starting today, there will be 40 days of blogging. Stay tuned!

putting the pieces together

2009-08-04T12:24:00.011-04:00

The other day at church, my small group spent a few minutes making fun (very righteously, of course) of people who say things like "Praise the Lord" about almost anything, especially when meeting new people. You wrote a paper today? Praise the Lord! You study turtles? Thanks be to God! You work at Krispy Creme? Hallelujah! It can be a bit much.

But this is different. My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad summer semester is OVER!

PRAISE JESUS!

Truly, I am thankful to have survived. And despite the fact that there were too few hours in the day for the amount of work I was supposed to do, I am convinced that the non-school things I did this summer are what got me through it (mostly) unscathed. Surprisingly enough, helping Alexander with his remodeling efforts is at the top of the list. Since most of my time is spent reading and writing about abstractions all just to get some theoretical and largely meaningless "grade," there's something incredibly satisfying about using my hands to do something concrete, that I can see and touch when it's finished. My favorite is the mosaic we made for the laundry room counter a couple of weekends ago, so I thought I'd share.

The people who lived in the house before did a mosaic in the floor of the sun room, and they left behind tons of tiles and marbles and rocks and such. After making a huge (but oh-so-fun) mess by spreading them out all over the floor, we started playing came up with this:

After a trip to Lowe's (I don't even want to try to count how many times I've been to Lowe's with this boy) and very strategic planning and measuring, we starting laying it out in its proper location in the laundry room. This was the most fun part.

Here's what it looked like when I left Ocean Springs. Alex spent quite some time getting the border just right in my absence.

And now, the finished product, complete with grout and accompanied by our mutually-agreed-upon paint color!

I think I'm more proud of this than of my GPA.

disillusioned haiku

2009-07-31T10:18:00.002-04:00

one thing that I've learned:
"doctor of philsophy"
doesn't mean you're smart

brushstrokes

2009-07-14T21:55:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I have these bursts of creative energy that just have to come out somehow. I get really inspired by God's creation and by artists, and despite my perceived lack of actual talent (and the fact that I have other things that I should be doing), I just have to create something. Today, I decided to become a painter.

featuring... me!

2009-07-13T20:10:00.021-04:00

I've gotten a lot of etsy love lately! Most recently, Danielle featured my shop (and a few others) in this video! I've been in a lot of treasuries (a lot for me, anyway) lately too, so while I'm at it, I'm going to share some of those, too. :) Thanks to everyone who has featured my stuff! I'm up to 20 sales now!

By the way, if any of these photos tickle your fancy, you should check out this "secret" coupon for my shop! :)

rocket [wo]man

2009-07-13T14:43:00.005-04:00

"...and all this science, I don't understand. It's just my job five days a week..."
-Elton John

I really do love psychology, but sometimes I feel very disconnected from the world of academia. I want to understand people and to know how to help people, but some days it feels like the stuff I spend my time doing has very little to do with any of that. Sometimes grad school feels like some sort of silly obstacle course, and instead of teaching us what we need to know, it tests to see how badly we want to know, then releases us out into the world with a degree that qualifies us to figure it out on our own.

I was thinking the other day about my first day at Pathways, when I didn't even realize what I had been hired to do. I was passively observing a group therapy session, and Vicki, my boss, abruptly asked me to take the uncooperative kid next to me into the other room for an individual session. I was shocked and terrified, and I felt like I was mostly making stuff up as I went along. It turned out to be one of my best sessions, actually, but the whole time, I just kept thinking about how unqualified I was to do what I was doing. And yet... after a year (almost) of grad school, I can't think of anything that I know now that would've made me any more prepared or less freaked out about that situation. That's not to say I haven't learned anything; I've learned some research things and some theories and such, but hardly anything that really translates into how to be a therapist.

Maybe next year.

elegy for the king of pop

2009-07-10T15:09:00.005-04:00

Billy Jean isn't my lover either,
And I don't know if Annie's okay,
And I realize that I didn't know him,
But I really miss MJ today.

In dance class, my goal was to be just like him,
And I did learn "Remember the Time,"
But I never could do isolations (or moonwalks)
The way Michael did in his prime.

Back then, when he asked, "Will you be there?"
I felt strongly compelled to say, "Yes,"
For it seemed that the world didn't get it
And instead caused this great man distress.

Even so, he told us that we are the world,
And also that we can heal it,
And now that he's gone it seems silly to say,
But his spirit's still here. I can feel it.

frustrated grad student haiku

2009-07-06T16:46:00.002-04:00

academia
is the epitome of
ridiculousness.

ecclesiastes
sums up how I feel right now:
this is meaningless!

juxtaposed haiku

2009-07-04T17:47:00.001-04:00

juxtaposition

of stripes and rusty faces

is funny looking

flatland haiku

2009-07-03T00:14:00.001-04:00

there are no hills here

mountains used to protect me

I feel so exposed

yoga haiku

2009-06-08T20:16:00.001-04:00

I exhale all the stress

focus on a new drishti

and say namaste

live oak haiku

2009-06-01T11:05:00.005-04:00

in mississippi
lying down and looking up
this is what you see

in bloom

2009-05-30T13:57:00.006-04:00

Somehow, the world appears more beautiful to me when I'm alone with my camera. So after a rough day at work, I wandered around campus and took pictures, and it really gave my mental health a boost! Who knew Hattiesburg could be so pretty?!

All these photos (and some other new ones, too) are in my etsy shop, so go have a look, if you wish. :)

how-to haiku

2009-05-29T12:21:00.000-04:00

five syllables here
another line with seven
and then back to five

avolition haiku

2009-05-29T12:10:00.001-04:00

unmotivated
I should do something useful
instead, I do this

5, 7, 5

2009-05-29T10:08:00.004-04:00

NPR inspired
me to jot down some haiku*
so here is the first

*Yes, the plural of haiku is haiku. Maybe that'll make up for my egregious misspelling of barrage the other day. (Thanks, Mom.)

white with foam

2009-05-29T09:38:00.005-04:00

Another sale! A lovely fellow etsian just purchased this photo, which I took on my recent (spontaneous, Alex-instigated) adventure to Destin, FL! I was kind of in awe of the water there. The Mississippi part of the Gulf looks nothing like this. I guess the ocean is always greener on the other side?

I love the color fade and the calm, even pattern of the foam in the shot, and I'm glad to know that someone else does, too. :)

rhyme time

2009-05-27T16:18:00.005-04:00

My dear friend Natalie has been writing children's poetry lately, and it has really inspired me to get my creative juices flowing. It really is an important outlet in the midst of the scientific, textbook-laden barrage of school work that's about to be in full force. So far, my best (ok, only) effort has been this silly little ditty for my beloved.

You're very unpredictable;
it's really quite alarming.
But I must admit your crazy quirks
are mostly very charming.

I hate it when you say you're dumb,
because you're very smart.
I love the way you use your brain
but also wear your heart

upon your sleeve so I can see
the things that you are feeling.
After all this time, I'm still intrigued
but what it's been revealing.

It's so much fun to share ideas
about therapy and fish.
To keep on sharing with you
is, I think, my biggest wish.

I hope you can forgive me, though,
for using all this filler
when all I want to say is that
I love you, Alex Miller.

:)

better in black and white

2009-05-24T23:10:00.003-04:00

I just stumbled upon the "vault" feature on the craftcult website and found that this treasury I made was on the front page! I'm on etsy so much that you'd think I'd know these things, but I've yet to actually see this happen. Maybe next time.

14 and counting

2009-05-24T20:02:00.018-04:00

How about an update about my etsy shop? I have so much fun with it, and I'm up to 14 sales! Here's what I've sold...

Two prints of this photo of a Live Oak on USM's campus. It's definitely my favorite Mississippi picture. I really, really miss the hills, but trees like this are one of the things that I love about this place.

Two prints of this funny photo from Costa Rica. Maybe my favorite picture I've ever taken.

Two prints of this photo of beautiful Autumn Leaves in Emory, VA (where I went to college.)

Two prints of these crazy male nuns in Prague. (I wish I had an explanation for this.)

One of these. This photo was actually taken just a few yards form those yellow leaves (but months later.)

One of these, which was a surprise! It's a picture of the inside of my windshield while I was driving through a car wash.

One of these redbuds. This one was taken at Central Park in Ashland, KY (my hometown.)

One of these from a shrimp boat tour in Biloxi.

One of these from my trip to Walden Pond.

And this one, which I took on my trip to St. Francisville with my friend Natalie in December. This was my most exciting sale, because the buyer contacted me and wanted an enlargement because she was so in love with it. She ended up ordering a 16x20, and it looked wonderful!

It was rather ironic too, because this is not one of my personal favorites at all. Since someone loved a photo that I think is just ok, I've started adding new photos to my shop more often, thinking something similar might happen again. Go check them out!

the pros of prose

2009-05-06T11:38:00.007-04:00

I just logged on to poetry.com and was planning on composing a little PIM to post here (surprise, surprise), but I was very troubled to find that the website has completely changed, and the Poetry in Motion feature (the only good part of poetry.com) is nowhere to be found! I am very sad about this.

BUT. Maybe that means it's time to write something else in here. I really do miss the days when I wrote my experiences and thoughts in here. Somehow, when pieces of my life are recorded, they feel more real...like I have not fully experienced something until I have adequately reflected on it. And, clearly, reflection has been lacking, at least in any sort of concrete way.

I certainly can't make up for the whole academic year of stuff that has happened, but maybe if I do a quick re-cap, I will be able to get back into the groove.

So. I'm in graduate school in counseling psychology, so that's what constitutes the largest portion of my time. I'm doing well, but it's not the sort of challenging, exhilarating experience that school used to be. I didn't realize just how much I love learning until last semester. I was so excited to be a student again, but I didn't feel like I was learning anything new, and it was very frustrating. I've had moments of actually wishing that I were less intelligent or that I had not been so well prepared by my undergrad experiences. I'm regularly jealous of people who are struggling to grasp new stuff. It sounds weird, but it's kind of sad, really. The weirdest thing about is it that I really have never felt this way before. I've always been smart and a good student, but I was always happy with what I was learning and felt like my teachers/professors had something great to offer me--that I would benefit from their guidance and wisdom. Now, it's more like "I just have to get through this so I can do what I want to do," and I don't like that at all. Maybe I'm just disillusioned with academic nonsense, or maybe I've just become a self-righteous and arrogant snob. Probably both.

And my snobbery comes into play at my assistantship too, because I have to deal with being disrespected and demeaned on a regular basis (not by my boss, just to clarify--she loves me). I can deal with it a lot better now than I did at first, but there are still rough days.

It's not all bad, really. I like the people in my program very much, and I don't know what I would do without my "best Mississippi friend," Natalie. And my weeks are bearable because I spend them looking forward to weekends, which I spend with my beloved Alexander, usually at his house on the coast. It's funny how we rarely saw each other before we moved here but miss each other MORE now. The more time I spend with him, the more sure I am that I want to spend more and more of my time with him. His house, and our relationship there, feels much more like home to me than my apartment in Hattiesburg or my role as a grad student. The disconnect between the two is hard, but the one makes the other all worth it.

I've also gotten involved in a small group at the church I go to when I'm in Hattiesburg, and while I haven't been particuarly stimulated by the books we've read, I really enjoy the fellowship. Even though I tend to be a loner, I've always found it essential to be part of a community of believers, and I'm grateful to have found that.

Despite the list of complaints here, I really am happy. It's just that I feel such a strong conviction that I will be happier. The best is yet to come.

simple songs

2009-04-03T12:35:00.000-04:00

to the one we see above
we give simple songs of love

en français, s’il vous plaît

2009-03-31T15:19:00.003-04:00

le compagnie s'immobilisa orgueilleusement
avec l'arrogance

inside

2009-03-30T15:04:00.001-04:00

in my dreams I know exactly what is inside us

singular endeavor

2009-03-26T16:01:00.002-04:00

pondering
I came to know
that in the end
my singular endeavor
is to love